I hate feeling this way.
I have a fear of failure. I have a fear of rejection. But, I didn’t know that I have a fear of loneliness. I hate this. Things are happening too fast in my life and I feel like I can’t share it with anyone. There are stuff going on that are too personal to share with my family, also not appropriate enough to share with friends. Do you ever feel that? Like, you’re missing that one special person whom you can talk about absolutely anything with and they’d still care about you. I know that it’s pathetic. I know that this does not sound like me at all. I act all strong and confident, but deep down, it’s really hard. This is a low point for me. This happens to me once in a while. I see happy couples and I don’t care; so what if they’re happy? I’m happy to be happy by myself. But, it’s times like this, the hard times, that makes me wonder why I don’t have anyone? Why don’t I have anyone with whom I can share and vent out all these feelings with? That’s one of the things I miss about being in a couple. It’s times like this I start thinking about my past relationship and thinking about what could’ve happened to us if we were still together. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t miss the guy, I just miss the feeling of being loved, protected and cared for. It sounds so corny, but it’s just how I feel at the moment.
I’m having conflicting feelings. For example, with this post. I don’t know whether to post it with my public account where I have followers (but they probably don’t open Tumblr anymore to see this, but still there’s a possibility of this getting out since it is in fact public), or with my private account (where I have 0 followers). I don’t even know if I should post “I hate feeling like this :’( ” on Twitter, even though I really want to. Someone in the past have told me to post happy and positive things only, for the people to see that I am in fact a happy and positive person who is strong and confident with life. But at the same time, I wonder if that’s how people should see me? Honestly, the person who gave me this advice is too much of a positive person, to the point that you can see the fakeness in his eyes whenever he smiles. He already reached the point of no return, where people see you smiling and laughing, but they know that it’s all just a cover up just to keep up with your image. Will I ever reach that point if I follow his advice? Or do I want everyone to know that I am not a perfect person, and I do too get bad days like this. I don’t know what to do anymore. Whatever happens, if this gets public or not, I don’t know. Here I am.
I know this post doesn’t make sense anymore. This is just how I am feeling at the moment. And yes, as I’ve stated up there, I hate feeling like this.